Arguments are a part of most relationships, friendships, and workplaces. Humans are social creatures, and inevitably we will come across a person’s perspective or a topic area with which we disagree. While we try our best to be respectful, it can be difficult keeping things neutral. If arguing is a normal part of life, how do we do it better? How can we deescalate an argument, keeping a minor disagreement from turning into a major blowout? The tips below aren’t meant to help you win an argument, but rather to help defuse the argument. Each argument is unique, but many share common traits. Arguing well, and learning to keep arguments from blowing up into something bigger, is a good skill to learn for any relationship, whether it be romantic, with friends, or at work.
Take a Breath and Pause
Most people’s normal immediate reaction is to quickly respond to what was just said by the other person. Force yourself to ignore that reaction, and instead slowly count to 3: 1… 2… 3… This allows you time to collect your thoughts and consider alternative ways of responding. For instance, we often want to defend ourselves from a personal attack, and use the opportunity to attack the other person back. Neither strategy is likely to help move the argument toward a mutually-agreeable resolution. Instead, take a moment to think of why those people with whom you disagree with are saying what they are, and what they would like to hear that may affirm you at least heard them (even if you don’t agree with them — listening is not the same as consent).
Respond Rationally Instead of Emotionally
Arguments escalate because we allow our emotional minds to take over in the heat of the moment. It can be an exhilarating feeling, but such emotions tend to feed the fire of an argument, rather than working to douse the flames. Try your best to ignore the emotional content of the other person’s argument, including personal insults or attacks, and focus on the core issue that requires working through toward a compromise or concession.
Don’t try to Prove Yourself
Sometimes we continue on in an argument not for any good reason, but because we feel like we need to prove ourselves. We’ve tied our own self-worth, self-image, and self-confidence to winning. Even if by doing so, we hurt a loved one or someone we respect. Despite what we tell ourselves, arguments are not about proving ourselves to be better or smarter than the other person. We are human, fallible creatures just like others, and we will make mistakes and be wrong, too. Don’t make an argument about your needs or self-worth.
Decide the Value of the Argument
Not every argument should carry the same weight, just as not every decision we make in life has the same importance. Whether you eat a banana or an apple is a decision of very little consequence. In the same way, an argument about whether the sky right now is perfectly clear or whether there are a few, barely-detectable, high-altitude clouds is probably not one worth having. Are you arguing about something you really care about? Is it where you’re going to go to dinner tonight, or whether you want to have another child? If you don’t particularly care about the outcome, let the other person “win” and save your energy for an argument that you’re really invested in.
Learn to Disagree with Respect & Find Common Ground
A lot of people aren’t really interested in whether they “win” an argument or not. Instead, what they really want is simply to be heard. A simple acknowledgment that you hear those you argue with and what they’re saying, but respectfully disagree with them is often enough for others to disengage from the argument. Finding common ground in order to compromise is a valuable strategy to employ in wording toward a quick resolution of an argument. Diplomats employ this strategy daily, and you can too by working to find the things you share in common, and building upon them. “You want steak for dinner, I want seafood… So let’s go out to a steak and seafood place!”
There Doesn’t Have to Be a Winner
Remember, there doesn’t have to be a “winner” in every argument. Two people can simply come together, discuss something of mutual interest, and then walk away without either person changing his or her mind. Or a simple compromise can be reached more quickly if both people are open-minded and are willing to give a little. Arguments are a part of life. Learning to navigate them more deftly will help you get over these little speed bumps and get back to enjoying your life more quickly.
Take Responsibility
If you feel like you’re going around in circles, make sure you’re taking responsibility for your role in the disagreement. Each partner must take ownership of what they do to contribute to the problem. Failing to be accountable for our part and consistently blaming our partner is a sure sign that the relationship will remain unhealthy and consistently lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Nobody’s perfect. The only way to slow down a fight is if you’re willing to deal with what you’ve done wrong, too.
Respond Warmly
Try to listen to your partner’s feelings, irrational as they may seem to you in that moment. Then, say something warm and understanding. Put a hand on your partner, look them in the eye and say something from your heart, like “I care more about being close to you than having this fight.” Sometimes, a small act of affection is all it takes to disarm your partner. Looking your partner in the eye, taking his or her hand and clearly communicating your goal of being close to him or her is an act of vulnerability that is hard to disregard. Taking this action will often melt your partner’s heart and allow him/her to be more vulnerable and open with you.
Learn
Ask lots of questions and try to understand the way your partner feels and thinks. It means leaving your own planet for a while in order to really get a sense of theirs. It also helps slow down the momentum of the argument and get your learning about each other. It’s so much better than just trading insults back and forth. Fights can get intense quickly, so knowing how to deescalate them is key. Just keep some perspective and focus on finding solutions and you can keep the disagreement from spiraling out of control.
Struggling to communicate effectively in your relationship? Struggling more than you’d like? Gateway 2 Counseling offers convenient counseling for you anytime, anywhere you need it. So whether you are in the middle of an argument or just want someone to talk to, we are here for you.
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